|Contributions:||Creator and maintainer of the Ogre Battle Shrine; creator and maintainer of the Vagrant Story Shrine; maintainer of the Final Fantasy Mystic Quest Shrine; creator and maintainer of the Capsule Reviews section; creator and maintainer of his MOD archive; sponsor of RPG Classics' first Writing Contest; a moderator of the main RPGC forum|
|ICQ Number:||(I'd prefer it if you used e-mail)|
|Join Date:||a very long time ago|
|Chat Room Status in #rpgclassics:||None|
|Message Board Status:||Moderator|
"Ah, the Internet. Where the men are REAL men...and the women are too."
"It's funny. Those of us who remember Mazrim from way back when he first joined the staff still no doubt have the impression we had of him then - that of a scrawny thirteen-year-old with pretenses of being an intellectual. Of course, time hasn't been standing still, but since this is the anonymous Internet, chances are those of us who knew him then still associate that with him. It will no doubt come as a shock to many of us now to learn that during that time, Mazrim has metamorphosed into a bearded panhandler who has "LUCIFER" on his hand, who advocates drug use, and who lost his virginity in eighth grade after some chick asked him for anal sex in the school bathroom."
"That's a mighty fine sales pitch you've got there. "Think THIS place is full of dumbass posts? Well I've got a forum for you where the posts are twice as idiotic! Huh hyuck!" Holy shit! Where do I sign up?"
"One day, people realized that their posts in Qrrbrbirlbel weren't funny in the least. It then dawned upon them that even if one posts in a forum designed for pointless posts, the least one can do is try to make said posts humourous or creative in some way. Alas, this was beyond them. They all died lonely deaths. None of them ever lost their virginity. The End."
"Well, this one night was during a cold winter, and everyone had been drinking. Feeling warm and fuzzy inside, I lay back on the couch and decided it was too hot to keep my pants on. The girl laughed at that, then lost her balance and collapsed upon me. Ten seconds of fierce copulation later....oh wait, you meant my first time playing video games. Contra 1, then."
"How ruggedly individual of y'all!"
"Why don't you go and use the time you waste grinding whatever inane and silly axe you have with me to go brush up on your "rugged sarcasm"?"
"I must say, your refusal to eat the hippo has increased my respect for you a thousandfold. However, you've gone against the flow, and thus you must be punished."
"The last thing anyone needs here is yet another Limbaugh-level imbecile jerking off his thoughtless and malicious spew."
"Hades, man, I suggest you SERIOUSLY reconsider this sexual reassignment surgery business. It ain't worth it. First of all, they will fashion the topographical and architectural details of your new genitals out of your penis after they chop it off, so in your case there won't be enough material for them to make a finished product. Second of all, they won't be able to give you a real vagina. At best, you'll have just a hole. A real vagina has the ability to stretch, thanks to a wonderful organ called the cervix. You won't have that. You'll just have an inflexible hole with about three inches' depth. What's worse, you'll constantly have to use an instrument to dilate it so it doesn't collapse on itself. And worse still, since they use your scrotum to make the inside walls of it, there's always a chance that you might start growing hair on the inside of it. Long story short - you won't be a woman, you'll be a man who chopped off his dick and drilled a random hole in his body. Sorry to be the one to break it to you."
SK's Invincible Advice To The Lovelorn: "All you need to do is lose all your morals and ethics, get an asinine yet "unique" hairstyle (the more fucked up the better - preferably throw some dye in there), wear "stylish" clothes which you first need to steal out of the Salvation Army bin, slap on a pair of expensive sunglasses, hug/grope everyone you see as a way of greeting (especially men - for some reason the women think this is a really cool thing to do; don't ask me why), say in a husky voice absolutely idiotic things that sound meaningful (if you need help coming up with sufficiently idiotic things, read the Cliff Notes to any Ayn Rand book), talk in a faux accent (it doesn't matter which one), keep repeating that society sucks and that love and friendship are all meaningless social constructs that have no value, namedrop every philosopher you've ever heard of (and every one you haven't), and lastly, talk about fucking in the most lewd and lascivious manner in front of women (you can and should ask them to fuck you, the first time you meet them, but only after groping everyone who is present, then talking for a little while about how society sucks). Obviously, this might take a little practice in front of the mirror at home, and you might need to diet a little if you're overweight (no need to be ashamed of that, it's easy to fix anyway), but it'll pay off. I guarantee that within a month you'll have to fend the women off with a pointy stick. The only drawback is that I will hit you very, very hard if I see you, but even that will only get you more women in the end."
(coming...sometime, dammit, sometime)